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As most Yoopers know, Amorous Spotted Slugs are clairvoyant and capable of 
seeing far into the future. According to Professor Rantamaki, A.S.S. are seldom wrong. Below is a synopsis of the Cold Turkey Manuscript, which is an Amorous Spotted Slug’s prediction of the coming Yooper War. The military has declassified the manuscript, and it is now available to the public for the first time.
Times were good for the man in the Oval Office until three student radicals from Finlandia University and one resident nerd from Michigan Tech seek his support in making Michigan’s Upper Peninsula the fifty-first state. The President is given the ultimatum to support their cause or the Yoopers (as the U.P. residents refer to themselves) will throw the coming election. When the President refuses, a truckload of his turkeys is hijacked from the Western Whitehouse. The truck driver is stripped naked, drenched in molasses, and covered with feathers. The newspapers have a field day at the President’s expense, while the truck driver makes the talk-show rounds.
To make matters worse, the White House plumbing mysteriously becomes constipated and refuses to function, twelve hundred and twenty-four of the abducted turkeys find their way to the White House lawn tripping numerous security sensors, and Washington D.C. becomes infested with Amorous Spotted Slugs. Still the President refuses to capitulate. (Pharaoh needed ten plagues.)
The final straw occurs when the President receives irrefutable evidence from the CIA that Finland has Weapons of Mass Destruction and intends to turn the Upper Peninsula into a Finnish colony. He is left with no alternative—he must declare war on the United States and invade the U.P.!